Hey!

Hey friends, it's been far to long. I don't even know where to pick up at. Life has certainly been busy. My family it's self has had a year of ups and downs. Paxton is in the middle of his transition and I couldn't be prouder of him for his decision to be authentically himself. Alice ended up in the hospital the end of August first two weeks of September due to a pacemaker issues.

So my life is defiantly a tad hectic but that's ok. What has everyone else been up to? Alice just turned 9, 9 years old! I don't understand that's how that's even possible but it is. We are starting to plan her 10th birthday. For Pax's 10th we went to Disneyland and LEGOLAND we were there for a week and had a ton of fun. I'm not sure exactly what we are going to do but most likely it will be Disneyland and Hollywood because she's kinda obsessed with Hollywood and even thought she's been there before it's been a while so she doesn't remember.

what with a liitle catch up!

So life has been absolutely insane.....Lyndsey just turned 15 and Alice is 8, my mom passed away almost 26 months ago and it feels both like yesterday and forever ago. I miss her a lot. My kids will randomly tell me memories they have with her and sometimes they are really funny and other it makes me miss her so much more.

Lyndsey has been struggling a lot with stuff in her life, about 3 years ago she tole me that she was pansexual, I honestly didn't think she knew what that ment so I let her borrow my college textbook on human sexuality so she could read about what it was. She told me she knew what it ment and she was ok with it. Which honestly good for her. Anyway this last Friday, she decided to come out to me as a Trans Male, she wants to be called and to legally change her name from Lyndsey to Paxton. I feel like im doing okay with this but im not sure how im really processing it.  The parent in me feels like I need to tell her that no she can't choose who she is, but I don't really care. I will love her/him no matter what, I just need to get used to this pronoun thing. I would much rather have a healthy and happy son, then a dead daughter. I just want him to be happy with his life choices. I don't want him to look back and decide that he hates his family because we weren't accepting enough, or nice enough. so far everyone that she's told has had nothing but love and open arms for her and that's all we can ask for. Love and understanding is what we all deserve.


#love #transmale #nolongeradarlingdaughterbuthandsomeson #newlife #newlove #loveislove #solonglyndseymickelhellowpaxtonmichael

Some days you feel like crap, others you feel like your the hottest thing to roll out of bed. Today I feel like I'm looking pretty good. I decided to go ahead and do my hair and my makeup, I'm so happy that I did because it made me feel like a whole new person. It's been a struggle lately to do things that I normally love to do, I don't think it's depression just more or less a sense of why try? I just haven't felt like I was enough for anyone. I was constantly failing at being a wife, mom, friend and believe it or not a barista. I've never really had experience with depression just because I know things can be so much worse and things always get better but when I lost my mom it really threw me for a loop.

6/5/2018

So many of you fine readers know i'm a barista at starbucks. But the starbucks that I work at is on a college campus therefore we are closed all summer. This is nice because I have all summer to spend with my kids, but by doing this I do not get paid so no monies. To counter this, I've decided to transfer to another starbucks and work this summer but im still waiting for stuff to get done so I can start. Part of the stuff that I need to get done is I have to find appropriate clothing. Since I work at a campus location I don't have to adhear to actual starbuck dresscode. I can wear t shirts and things of that nature if they are clean and long enough. You can't do that at starbucks so today the bestie and I went shopping which was fun......But do you know how hard it is for a fatty like me to find work appropriate semi dressy clothes that aren't super expensive? Its hard. I did find a few shirts and I already have some but I became so discouraged. I know i'm overweight and I could stand to lose some weight but I don't think that im obese like a lot of the clothing designers make me feel.


Anywho, I want your opinion on where you go to get decent clothes for work, and what you all do to stay in shape. Im interested.

6/4/2018

So....Life has been so unbelievably busy. I don't really remember where I left off on this blog but  will do my best to sum up the last 18 months.

Feb 2017- My littlest monster turned 6 years old quickly followed by my mom being placed on hospice care and then passing all within a week of each other. My best friend and her family drove here from Idaho to help me with things because my brother really isn't a great person and he left me with everything to do. So my bestie and her family drove 13 hrs to stay for a few days to help me process everything and do whatever it is they could help me do. On their way home they got caught in really bad fog and in bad smoke from a fire and were in a terrible crash, this crash totaled their mini van but they all survived thankfully. They are still recovering kids were hurt pretty bad, my bestie slip her foot up pretty bad and is not finally able to walk on it but it still hurts.

March- My big baby turned 13, Went to Idaho to spend spring break and Easter with the bestie and the family. It was a nice get away. Food and my favorite people.

April-May-June- I honestly can't really remember what was going on. I know it was busy lots of stuff around the house to do but not sure if it was really done or just hopped it was done.

July-Bestie and family came for the 4th of July, we had fun, set off fireworks, BBQed, set the trash can on fire. Yes you heard that right, my hubby didn't wet all the fireworks down so they reignited out on the street next to the garbage can. So here I am at like 1130 at night washing my hands at the sink when I looked out the window and low and behold I watch the garbage pile out up in flames. I have never ran out of my house and to the hose so quickly in my life. It was terrifying but looking back it's kinda funny. Oh and while the bestie was here they found a  house! This means just what you guys are t hinking…..They are moving home!!!! They go home start packing we head over to help pack and then move home!!!!

August-The bestie has a house right down the street form us. 0.6 miles away. We go down for bbqs all the time they come over here we have a grand old time.....We have an eclipse breakfast party and it's fun. I also get a job as a Barista at Starbucks which honestly is a dream job for me.

Sept- School starts, I have an 8th grader and a 1st grader. I'm working part time at Starbucks and I love it. My boss is a little intimidating but I'm OK with that. I would really like to work on the bar more but I have zero experience.

Oct- still working, I did take a personal day off to take the bestie and her hubby to an appointment in Hillsboro. I did go to chipotle and fall off my stool. I wish there were cameras I laughed so hard and man it made my butt hurt so bad falling.

Nov-Thanksgiving at my house, lots of cooking lots of food, and family. Also really missing my mom. It's amazing how loosing someone who you felt suffocated you. you can miss so much more than you ever thought you could.

Dec-Christmas at the besties, we had a traditional elf  dinner, opened presents and spent the day in each others company

life

Hopefully me readers are familiar with me and know that I am a lipstick hustler. I am a distributor for Lipsense. This is a company that I truly believe in, it's a long lasting lipstick that does not transfer so that means no smiling with lipstick on your teeth, no lip marks left on your latte, and no accidentally rubbing it all over your face. I've experience lipstick regret with other companies, you know what that is right? You find the PERFECT lipstick, you put it on and it's creamy, it looks great on your lips. An hour or so goes by and you decided to eat a sandwich, and oops! Your lipstick is now all over your face and it won't leave. So you try and cover up what's all over your face :( This is lipstick regret. I am so happy that I don't have to deal with that anymore because lipsense is amazing.....

So last week sometime, Josh promised Alice he would buy her a pool for the summer time, this kid doesn't give up. All week, when are we getting a pool? I want to go swimming! daddy said I get one! So Sunday, daddy bought her a pool and put it up, and she was in hog heaven.  Monday it reached 98 degrees and today it was in the mid 80's so it was definitely swimming weather, and swim she did. This kid is a mermaid, a Aquarius by birth she is an air sign but she definitely feels at home in the water and that's ok. She loves to be near water, she'd live on a boat in water if you'd let her.

Life has been going by quickly, Alice just started tball, lynds going through her own teenage angst. Me, I'm just trying to build my business so I can afford to stay home with my babies and provide some substance for them. I need ideas here people! How to I present the idea of "Join my Team" without it being in your face or annoying?

Mother's Day

May 14, 2017

This is my first mothers day with out my mom. It's been hard making it through the last 3 months without her. I am having a hard time with the fact that I now feel Orphaned. I feel like I have been left behind and I am kind of resentful. Yes, I know that I am almost 33 and I have a family of my own I however, still feel like I need my mom. Both my parents are gone as well as my step dad, I only have 1 grandparent left and she's almost 73 so I don't have much time left with her.

I wanted nothing but for this day to not happen....I wanted to sleep through it, pretend it didn't happen. I didn't really grieve when my mom passed, I was to busy planning everything, clearing out her apartment and making sure shit got done. Not really fair for me, I also totally understand that life isn't fair but honestly it was way to much for me to bare at that time. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I just finished off paying for my step dads funeral when my mom passed so it was an unwelcome experience. I am still finding it hard to grieve, I feel like I have way to much stuff going on in my day to day life to be sad. It's not that I even want to be sad, I just want to cry over the years that we may of had. I also kinda feel like I grieved already because she had been so sick for almost 1o years, COPD is a bitch and it rules your life. She wasn't able to join in on things because of her smoking, then her anxiety and then her depression about all of her barriers. It was sad, but she was my mom and I miss her a lot. But I have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful hubby that wanted nothing but for me to have a good day. They were wanting to honor their mom, which is exactly what I want to do. There is no body for me to take her flowers she was cremated, I have her ashes so I think tomorrow I'm going to load her in my car and we shall go get some coffee together. Is this weird?

So I awoke today to an absolutely quiet house, I got up looked around, went to the bathroom and turned the TV on to mysteries of the unknown on the travel channel and crawled back into bed. About 20 minutes later my little comes in with some flowers for me and told me that breakfast would be in, in a little while. My biggest baby who is 13 made me my favorites, like she really cooked. She diced up spam and fried it up, cooked bacon, and fried me some over easy eggs, she did it all herself and it was delicious. She made the eggs better than I can! So far my day has been full of mixed emotions, I'm sad my mom is gone, but so thankful that my girls and my hubby love me enough to let me be mopey, buy me chocolates, tell me I'm pretty, and let me watch my favorite movie even thought they all hate it.

I choose to cherish this day even though my heart aches. I have 1 32 days until my moms birthday which is another day I will reflect on. Maybe I will celebrate with a BBQ with some family to commemorate her life. Happy mothers day mom, I love you and I will miss you every day. I know you visited me last night, and I know your proud of me. I love you......

The Life of a Busy Mom

So I am always busy. I get up with my kids in the morning and I go to bed way after they go to bed because well......Insomnia. I've been getting up, getting them ready, myself ready, then dropping the oldest off to school, then the little, than off to the gym for an hour or so followed by errands and then home. When I'm home if feels like stuff is never done. I feel like I am constantly

Congenital Heart Defects (CHD)

Where do I start this story......I have blogged many times about my daughter's heart condition. What is has in really rare but even more rare that she has it but doesn't have downs with it like so many do. When you hear about another family going through the same stuff you went through regarding their children's health your heart just aches for them. When Jimmy Kimmel was talking about his son being born and finding out within minutes that something was wrong with their brand new baby it's totally gut wrenching. We found out at 3 days old that something was wrong and they didn't know what so we were referred to a cardiologist  where she first had a echo and then we met with the peds cardiologist team that confirmed what everyone thought, she had AVSD and would need open heart surgery. At this time affordable health care didn't exist yet and Obama Care was a new thing. I didn't worry though because I had insurance that I paid for every month so baby was covered, I just worried about our portion of the hospital bills we'd have to pay. We made pre arrangements with the hospital for the birthing costs so I started making payments on an estimated $15,000 birthing cost with C-section.

Well about 2 weeks after birth my insurance cut her off, said that I never notified them of my pregnancy which I did, and they denied any and all coverage for my baby. So here I am 2 weeks into a life long journey of navigating the life of a chronically ill child. I have littereally no idea on what I'm going to do. I seriously loose my shit. I planned on returning to work, I worked up until a week before I had my daughter. I planned on going back 4/4/11 but that really just wouldn't work. My daughter was born 2/1/11, on 4/4/11 the day I was supposed to return to work, I was at Doernbecher Children's Hospital waiting for my daughter to go have her repair surgery. Instead of having this surgery that was going to "fix" her she ended up coding, she stopped breathing, some of the scariest moments of my life is watching doctors, nurses and anyone who had a spare hand attend to her lifeless body. Instead of her going back for surgery, she was placed in the PICU on life support where we waited for her body to heal itself and figure out what happened. We waited helplessly while brilliant minds tried to figure out what was going on, we got nothing. No one knew why her body gave up besides she was just too tired to go on. I am so thankful this happened in the hospital and not in the car on the way up. I am so thankful that she received the help she needed right away.

Thankfully before her surgery happened we were able to get her insurance stuff figured out but that was a hard thing to navigate. While navigating  all the insurance stuff I learned that because of Obama Care and the ACA my child would never be turned down for health care for a condition she was born with. She would always have good insurance and would always have the care that she needed. This was a godsend to me and my family. We would never have to choose between taking care of our baby's medical needs and paying rent and bills. We would never have to worry about not being able to afford an expensive medication and believe me for a while she was on 5 or 6 and many of them were $1,000+ a month for.

I worked full time since my oldest was 5 weeks old all the way until my youngest was born, I am not someone trying got get something for nothing. I worked until I just couldn't anymore because I needed to take care of my child. Please, Please, Please remember this when your voting on they type of coverage the ACA provides.

Well, Well, Well!

So lots of stuff has happened since my last post. Life has changed so much since Feb 8th. So much, so let me catch you up!

    Feb 8th my mom was on hospice, we talked with the hospital to see if there was a way they could keep her because she was so fragile I didn't want to risk loosing her during transport, the hospital assured me that they couldn't keep her because she was doing well enough to transport and a nursing facility could take care of her better than they could so they prepared for transport and transported her. During this time my aunt who was here from Alaska took me to dinner because I hadn't eaten the whole day. My mom was prepped for transport at 5:30pm and we were supposed to meet the hospice care team at 6:30pm at the nursing facility.
    Shortly before 6:30 I called the nursing facility to double check my mom was there, the nurse told me that I needed to hurry up and get there, my om was in fact there and was not doing very well. I cut dinner short with my Aunt, I told her what was going on and I headed up to the nursing facility while calling my husband and my grandma to let them know what was going on.
    As soon as I walked in the nurse met me at the front doors and let me know that my mom had passed, she apparently didn't make it through transport. My mom died in a van, after we begged the hospital to keep her they assured me that she would be OK. The drs lied to me they told me she would be fine. So I spent the next few things planning things, cleaning things out and taking care of things. The only great thing that came from this is that my best friend and her family came to see me and help me get stuff done. I have 1 brother but he's got some issues and really doesn't help with anything which honestly really sucks for me.
    For one long weekend my bestie and her family were here helping me with things and helping me keep my mind off of what was going on. I can not tell you how much I appreciated it because well at that time my life sucked. Unfortunately on their way home they were in a horrific accident that resulted in her 10 year old daughter breaking 1 hip and having a concussion as well as internal bleeding, her 12 year old son to break both hips and having internal bleeding, her hubby had a concussion and messed up his ankle, and my besties with some severe trauma and a messed up foot. I am so thankful that they all survived and feel terrible that they were all hurt but let me tell you that was a call I never wanted to get.
   Again so thankful that they are alive and working towards getting better and learning their normal. After spending only a week and a half in the hospital they were released to go home and learn their new normal, I wish I could be there to help them. They were here for me when I needed them but I just cant seem to be there for them because of life. WHICH SUCKS. On top of all of this we've had to take our oldest daughter out of school because she was failing everything and I know that she can do better but why she's not seeing it I have no idea. We got her enrolled and it took forever to do it for one reason or another. Now she's 2 weeks in and is doing a wonderful job.

Hospice

   My mom was taken to the hospital some point Sunday and I wasn't notified. I didn't figure out until Tuesday that she was sitting in the hospital with a dead phone. I finally get to the hospital and I get told that she's is now on Hospice, she can me for an exsasterbation of her COPD. She is not moving any air through her lungs which is necessary for her to live. This is why she's been in so much pain and why  her breathing has been weird. I feel so bad that I didn't catch it sooner. So now I'm sitting in a dark hospital room watching her sleep, cherishing the last few days that I have with her and wishing I could hear her tell me she loves me 1 last time. All of those time when she would just say it over and over and over and annoyed me, I'm wishing I could get one of those back right now.
   I'm 32 my dad died when I was 26, my step dad died when I was 31, and now my mom when I'm 32. I'm too young to be an Orphan, although I don't know if I would be considered an Orphan because I'm an adult with my own family.

new year new me

Every year millions of people around the world make new years resolutions. Most of them are to lose weight, to pay off bills, or buy a car. I decided I was gonna take this year to be a better me. All the way around, this means going to doctors appointments, going to the gym, eating better, spending time on me doing things like getting a pedicure, basic things for rejuvenation. I can be the best mom, wife, daughter and friend when I don't feel so tired. My first steps were going to the chiro, getting my bones adjusted, then figuring out my birth control situation, next is getting my diabetes all figured out, well I found out I'm really diabetic and that I need to get all that under control. My husband and I have been thinking about having another baby, and I can't get pregnant with blood sugars that are out of control. If in fact I did the baby could in fact be born with some congenital abnormalities one of which is the child being born with a non complete lower body so this means having legs that don't function and fully grow. I actually know a lady whom had a child that had this congenital abnormality and really do not wish for this to happen to anyone else.

So I'm starting to get myself healthier for my babies and for myself. The worst of all is the watching what I eat. I want to eat all the bread and pasta I want but I can't. I'm trying to eat more veggies and meat and nuts. These are things that I am having issues with, especially eating in the middle of the night. I wake up wanting candy or something that I shouldn't eat.

Holy Diabeties

Welp Monday I went to the to get my A1C's done and well yesterday I got my results and I am not to happy about that. That means I now have 1 more thing to worry about in my busy crazy life. Yay me! Not really. We figured out that based on my A1C's my that my average blood sugar is 243! That's insane! I just don't really know what to do. I mean I never feel like they are high but a few time I can feel like they are low.

All because of a cough......

So Alice went up to Doernbecher today to get her pacer checked and thankfully they found nothing wrong and assured me that her pacer was infact still anchored to where it was supposed to be. So this was good news. Not just great news but the best news I've heard in a while.

While we were waiting to go back and see the doctor Alice had to wear this awesome surgical mask because she has this nasty cough that won't go away. Well this girl was not impressed that she had to wear this mask. It didn't even help that it was Disney Inspired, she just sat there and gave me the evil eye, which was hilarious. She complained that no one else was wearing a mask and didn't want to wear one.

Luckily there was a little baby maybe 2 months old sitting in the waiting room, so I pointed to the baby and said you see that little girl? She's not sick and coughing and we don't want to spread it to her. She said she still didn't want to wear it but she didn't want to get the baby sick either. I appreciated her thoughts and just told her she had to wear it until we leave.

So after waiting, getting her pacemaker interrogated and scheduling another call in for April and getting x-rays it only took us almost 2 hours and that is seriously the quickest we've gotten in and out of that place. I was surprised because we saw 2 different doctors a nurse and got x-rays with no delay. Because of the time it was scheduled 12:30pm we missed the traffic going up and coming home which was amazing. There were a few slow spots which was near St.Anothony's school in Tigard and then there was road work in king city heading out of town.  But nothing that put us back at home by 3:30pm which was amazing. We left home at 10:30 and stopped and had lunch and had a casual leisurely drive up to Doernbecher.

Any way all in all today was a great day, nothing was wrong with her pacer we double checked just to make sure. She's happy, healthy, growing like a weed, she's 3'11" and not even 6 yet.

Does this look Bruises?

So we noticed Saturday that where Alice's pacemaker was placed last year kind if looks bruised. We are not sure whats going in with it but she said it didnt hurt when I touched it or when I rubbed it which is good. She hasnt complained at all so I dont want to freak her out but I am seriously freaking out. I cakled her normal pediatritian and decided that because it didnt look funny, and she wasnt complaining it hurt we'd wait until today to get her in. Well the pediatritian is unsure exactly what to do so he calls the pacemaker dr who wants to see the picture so i email it and he wants us to do a care link call which we do every 3 months. We get home from the dr do a care link call in and wait. I take alice to school and when I get home there is a an email saying the dr has forwarded the picture on to the surgeons. THE SURGEONS! I then get a call from the peds cards surgeons and they say they cant really tell from the picture whats going on so they want to see us tomorow where they will send us for xrays and an ultra sound so there maybe a surgery i guess.

Whats next?

Back in November I had my Paragard taken out after almost 6 years. My husband I decided we'd try for a 3rd baby which is kinda funny. He tried and tried and tried for about 5 years for another one and I told him I was so done. I didn't want anymore and about 4 months ago I decided I in fact did want another one. So we started the steps back in November step 1) remove Paragard 2) go on the pill for a few months so I can get my diabetes's all figured out 3) do my papsmear :(.
Step 1 went off without a hitch
Step 2 was OK but after a month on the pill and my periods being weird I decided to go off of it and just pay attention to my ovulation while I worked on my diabetes.
Step 3 happened today and thank god he was quick because well I hate it like I'm sure everyone else in the world does. Well after 30 minutes my exam was done and I was off to get my A1c's and now he wants me to take my blood sugars 4x a day for 2 days to see what meds are appropriate for me to take. Now I'm sitting her on my couch wondering what they hell I'm thinking and doing.....


I'm tired I got up at 4:30 am so I could watch my cousin's baby while she went to a job shadow. I've had 3 giant cups of coffee been to the dr, done the dishes ate my lunch and now I'm sitting on the couch watching Dr.Phil wanting to take a nap, but I can't. I have to go get my kids from school soon and then take my little one to Cheer practice. That's right folks Alice is doing cheer practice. She gets to cheer at a varisty basketball game within the next few weeks and I am beyond excited for her because well she wanted this so bad.

And she lost her first tooth

1/21/17 Alice lost her first tooth

Technically it's not her first because she has had 3 surgically removed, but this was the first one that she lost herself. She was able to wiggle it loose, feel that it was going to fall out and during a cough it came flying out. I told her that it would come out when she sneezed so I was super close. So the prep for the tooth fairy began. I told her that for the tooth fairy to come her room had to be cleaned because the tooth fairy can't get in there quietly if she can't walk on the floor. So for a better part of an hour her and her almost 13 year old sister cleaned her room so that way she could receive a special visit.

I woke up this morning to an extremely excited almost 6 year old. The tooth fairy left her a $5 bill and $1 gold coin, she totally made bank on her first tooth. She was so excited to wake me up and show me, and then when her daddy came home she was beyond excited to show him. This I think is the best age for kiddo's they are so excited for the littlest things. When she lost her tooth she wanted to call her daddy, so we did and she wanted to make sure that he was happy that she lost her tooth. It's like what's to be happy about loosing a tooth but she wanted everyone to be happy that it happened and not be sad. I mean how cute is that, why would anyone be sad that she lost her tooth?

Interview

So today after weeks of filling out applications and turning in resumes I got an interview with this company that I thought was a good fit for my life. I was told that it was a panel interview, which I have had one before in the past so I was ok with it however this one was different. I was in this interview for 3.5 hrs and was told they would call us all by Tuesday. Well at approx. 2:30pm I received a phone call that I passed the interview process and they wanted me to come in and fill out new hire paperwork. I am really excited that I was chosen to work for this company, However my husband and I are talking alot about me working and having a child that still has medical needs. She' has good days and bad days so sometimes there are no issues but how many jobs allow you to call in 1x a week? Not many, so we've decided that I should stay home for a little bit longer or find something I can do at home between the hrs of 8am and 2pm. Any one have any ideas?

Make A Wish (9/13/16)

We got word last night that Make A Wish Oregon is Granting Alice’s wish to go to DisneyWorld right before Halloween so they get to go trick or treating and to meet the princesses.

Life as we know it......(9/13/16)

Alice was born with a Congenital Heart Defect called Atrial Ventricular Sepal Defect (AVSD) when she was about 2 months old she went in to Doernbecher Children's Hospital for her first Open Heart surgery. Her surgery went well but her heart didn’t start up correctly so she needed a pacemaker, that pacemaker was placed in April 2011 and worked perfectly until January 2016, 5 years! 5 years is all we got before one of the leads fractured and she passed out at school and we were taken by ambulance to Doernbecher which is where we informed that her pacemaker had fractured and she would need a new one. That day they took her back and changed her pacemaker, she healed amazing and we were sent home about 4 days later.
About 3 weeks later we were back at dornbecher for a 14 or 15 day stay because her pacemaker didn’t want to stay put. It actually was trying to break out of the skin so they did 10 days of antibiotics and then they re-did the placement of the pacer and 5 days to heal and then we were home to heal which was amazing.
Right after this happened my oldest had her tonsils and adenoids removed this is her very first surgery, 7 days after the surgery she ended up hemorrhaging and had to be taken back up to doernbecher where they tried to cauterized the hemorrhage but that didn’t work so they had to place 7 stitches in her throat, and she spent the night. This was my January-March!



This post was moved from my old blog to my new one so it's kind of back dated