Hey!

Hey friends, it's been far to long. I don't even know where to pick up at. Life has certainly been busy. My family it's self has had a year of ups and downs. Paxton is in the middle of his transition and I couldn't be prouder of him for his decision to be authentically himself. Alice ended up in the hospital the end of August first two weeks of September due to a pacemaker issues.

So my life is defiantly a tad hectic but that's ok. What has everyone else been up to? Alice just turned 9, 9 years old! I don't understand that's how that's even possible but it is. We are starting to plan her 10th birthday. For Pax's 10th we went to Disneyland and LEGOLAND we were there for a week and had a ton of fun. I'm not sure exactly what we are going to do but most likely it will be Disneyland and Hollywood because she's kinda obsessed with Hollywood and even thought she's been there before it's been a while so she doesn't remember.

what with a liitle catch up!

So life has been absolutely insane.....Lyndsey just turned 15 and Alice is 8, my mom passed away almost 26 months ago and it feels both like yesterday and forever ago. I miss her a lot. My kids will randomly tell me memories they have with her and sometimes they are really funny and other it makes me miss her so much more.

Lyndsey has been struggling a lot with stuff in her life, about 3 years ago she tole me that she was pansexual, I honestly didn't think she knew what that ment so I let her borrow my college textbook on human sexuality so she could read about what it was. She told me she knew what it ment and she was ok with it. Which honestly good for her. Anyway this last Friday, she decided to come out to me as a Trans Male, she wants to be called and to legally change her name from Lyndsey to Paxton. I feel like im doing okay with this but im not sure how im really processing it.  The parent in me feels like I need to tell her that no she can't choose who she is, but I don't really care. I will love her/him no matter what, I just need to get used to this pronoun thing. I would much rather have a healthy and happy son, then a dead daughter. I just want him to be happy with his life choices. I don't want him to look back and decide that he hates his family because we weren't accepting enough, or nice enough. so far everyone that she's told has had nothing but love and open arms for her and that's all we can ask for. Love and understanding is what we all deserve.


#love #transmale #nolongeradarlingdaughterbuthandsomeson #newlife #newlove #loveislove #solonglyndseymickelhellowpaxtonmichael

Some days you feel like crap, others you feel like your the hottest thing to roll out of bed. Today I feel like I'm looking pretty good. I decided to go ahead and do my hair and my makeup, I'm so happy that I did because it made me feel like a whole new person. It's been a struggle lately to do things that I normally love to do, I don't think it's depression just more or less a sense of why try? I just haven't felt like I was enough for anyone. I was constantly failing at being a wife, mom, friend and believe it or not a barista. I've never really had experience with depression just because I know things can be so much worse and things always get better but when I lost my mom it really threw me for a loop.

6/5/2018

So many of you fine readers know i'm a barista at starbucks. But the starbucks that I work at is on a college campus therefore we are closed all summer. This is nice because I have all summer to spend with my kids, but by doing this I do not get paid so no monies. To counter this, I've decided to transfer to another starbucks and work this summer but im still waiting for stuff to get done so I can start. Part of the stuff that I need to get done is I have to find appropriate clothing. Since I work at a campus location I don't have to adhear to actual starbuck dresscode. I can wear t shirts and things of that nature if they are clean and long enough. You can't do that at starbucks so today the bestie and I went shopping which was fun......But do you know how hard it is for a fatty like me to find work appropriate semi dressy clothes that aren't super expensive? Its hard. I did find a few shirts and I already have some but I became so discouraged. I know i'm overweight and I could stand to lose some weight but I don't think that im obese like a lot of the clothing designers make me feel.


Anywho, I want your opinion on where you go to get decent clothes for work, and what you all do to stay in shape. Im interested.

6/4/2018

So....Life has been so unbelievably busy. I don't really remember where I left off on this blog but  will do my best to sum up the last 18 months.

Feb 2017- My littlest monster turned 6 years old quickly followed by my mom being placed on hospice care and then passing all within a week of each other. My best friend and her family drove here from Idaho to help me with things because my brother really isn't a great person and he left me with everything to do. So my bestie and her family drove 13 hrs to stay for a few days to help me process everything and do whatever it is they could help me do. On their way home they got caught in really bad fog and in bad smoke from a fire and were in a terrible crash, this crash totaled their mini van but they all survived thankfully. They are still recovering kids were hurt pretty bad, my bestie slip her foot up pretty bad and is not finally able to walk on it but it still hurts.

March- My big baby turned 13, Went to Idaho to spend spring break and Easter with the bestie and the family. It was a nice get away. Food and my favorite people.

April-May-June- I honestly can't really remember what was going on. I know it was busy lots of stuff around the house to do but not sure if it was really done or just hopped it was done.

July-Bestie and family came for the 4th of July, we had fun, set off fireworks, BBQed, set the trash can on fire. Yes you heard that right, my hubby didn't wet all the fireworks down so they reignited out on the street next to the garbage can. So here I am at like 1130 at night washing my hands at the sink when I looked out the window and low and behold I watch the garbage pile out up in flames. I have never ran out of my house and to the hose so quickly in my life. It was terrifying but looking back it's kinda funny. Oh and while the bestie was here they found a  house! This means just what you guys are t hinking…..They are moving home!!!! They go home start packing we head over to help pack and then move home!!!!

August-The bestie has a house right down the street form us. 0.6 miles away. We go down for bbqs all the time they come over here we have a grand old time.....We have an eclipse breakfast party and it's fun. I also get a job as a Barista at Starbucks which honestly is a dream job for me.

Sept- School starts, I have an 8th grader and a 1st grader. I'm working part time at Starbucks and I love it. My boss is a little intimidating but I'm OK with that. I would really like to work on the bar more but I have zero experience.

Oct- still working, I did take a personal day off to take the bestie and her hubby to an appointment in Hillsboro. I did go to chipotle and fall off my stool. I wish there were cameras I laughed so hard and man it made my butt hurt so bad falling.

Nov-Thanksgiving at my house, lots of cooking lots of food, and family. Also really missing my mom. It's amazing how loosing someone who you felt suffocated you. you can miss so much more than you ever thought you could.

Dec-Christmas at the besties, we had a traditional elf  dinner, opened presents and spent the day in each others company

life

Hopefully me readers are familiar with me and know that I am a lipstick hustler. I am a distributor for Lipsense. This is a company that I truly believe in, it's a long lasting lipstick that does not transfer so that means no smiling with lipstick on your teeth, no lip marks left on your latte, and no accidentally rubbing it all over your face. I've experience lipstick regret with other companies, you know what that is right? You find the PERFECT lipstick, you put it on and it's creamy, it looks great on your lips. An hour or so goes by and you decided to eat a sandwich, and oops! Your lipstick is now all over your face and it won't leave. So you try and cover up what's all over your face :( This is lipstick regret. I am so happy that I don't have to deal with that anymore because lipsense is amazing.....

So last week sometime, Josh promised Alice he would buy her a pool for the summer time, this kid doesn't give up. All week, when are we getting a pool? I want to go swimming! daddy said I get one! So Sunday, daddy bought her a pool and put it up, and she was in hog heaven.  Monday it reached 98 degrees and today it was in the mid 80's so it was definitely swimming weather, and swim she did. This kid is a mermaid, a Aquarius by birth she is an air sign but she definitely feels at home in the water and that's ok. She loves to be near water, she'd live on a boat in water if you'd let her.

Life has been going by quickly, Alice just started tball, lynds going through her own teenage angst. Me, I'm just trying to build my business so I can afford to stay home with my babies and provide some substance for them. I need ideas here people! How to I present the idea of "Join my Team" without it being in your face or annoying?

Mother's Day

May 14, 2017

This is my first mothers day with out my mom. It's been hard making it through the last 3 months without her. I am having a hard time with the fact that I now feel Orphaned. I feel like I have been left behind and I am kind of resentful. Yes, I know that I am almost 33 and I have a family of my own I however, still feel like I need my mom. Both my parents are gone as well as my step dad, I only have 1 grandparent left and she's almost 73 so I don't have much time left with her.

I wanted nothing but for this day to not happen....I wanted to sleep through it, pretend it didn't happen. I didn't really grieve when my mom passed, I was to busy planning everything, clearing out her apartment and making sure shit got done. Not really fair for me, I also totally understand that life isn't fair but honestly it was way to much for me to bare at that time. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I just finished off paying for my step dads funeral when my mom passed so it was an unwelcome experience. I am still finding it hard to grieve, I feel like I have way to much stuff going on in my day to day life to be sad. It's not that I even want to be sad, I just want to cry over the years that we may of had. I also kinda feel like I grieved already because she had been so sick for almost 1o years, COPD is a bitch and it rules your life. She wasn't able to join in on things because of her smoking, then her anxiety and then her depression about all of her barriers. It was sad, but she was my mom and I miss her a lot. But I have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful hubby that wanted nothing but for me to have a good day. They were wanting to honor their mom, which is exactly what I want to do. There is no body for me to take her flowers she was cremated, I have her ashes so I think tomorrow I'm going to load her in my car and we shall go get some coffee together. Is this weird?

So I awoke today to an absolutely quiet house, I got up looked around, went to the bathroom and turned the TV on to mysteries of the unknown on the travel channel and crawled back into bed. About 20 minutes later my little comes in with some flowers for me and told me that breakfast would be in, in a little while. My biggest baby who is 13 made me my favorites, like she really cooked. She diced up spam and fried it up, cooked bacon, and fried me some over easy eggs, she did it all herself and it was delicious. She made the eggs better than I can! So far my day has been full of mixed emotions, I'm sad my mom is gone, but so thankful that my girls and my hubby love me enough to let me be mopey, buy me chocolates, tell me I'm pretty, and let me watch my favorite movie even thought they all hate it.

I choose to cherish this day even though my heart aches. I have 1 32 days until my moms birthday which is another day I will reflect on. Maybe I will celebrate with a BBQ with some family to commemorate her life. Happy mothers day mom, I love you and I will miss you every day. I know you visited me last night, and I know your proud of me. I love you......