Mother's Day

May 14, 2017

This is my first mothers day with out my mom. It's been hard making it through the last 3 months without her. I am having a hard time with the fact that I now feel Orphaned. I feel like I have been left behind and I am kind of resentful. Yes, I know that I am almost 33 and I have a family of my own I however, still feel like I need my mom. Both my parents are gone as well as my step dad, I only have 1 grandparent left and she's almost 73 so I don't have much time left with her.

I wanted nothing but for this day to not happen....I wanted to sleep through it, pretend it didn't happen. I didn't really grieve when my mom passed, I was to busy planning everything, clearing out her apartment and making sure shit got done. Not really fair for me, I also totally understand that life isn't fair but honestly it was way to much for me to bare at that time. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I just finished off paying for my step dads funeral when my mom passed so it was an unwelcome experience. I am still finding it hard to grieve, I feel like I have way to much stuff going on in my day to day life to be sad. It's not that I even want to be sad, I just want to cry over the years that we may of had. I also kinda feel like I grieved already because she had been so sick for almost 1o years, COPD is a bitch and it rules your life. She wasn't able to join in on things because of her smoking, then her anxiety and then her depression about all of her barriers. It was sad, but she was my mom and I miss her a lot. But I have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful hubby that wanted nothing but for me to have a good day. They were wanting to honor their mom, which is exactly what I want to do. There is no body for me to take her flowers she was cremated, I have her ashes so I think tomorrow I'm going to load her in my car and we shall go get some coffee together. Is this weird?

So I awoke today to an absolutely quiet house, I got up looked around, went to the bathroom and turned the TV on to mysteries of the unknown on the travel channel and crawled back into bed. About 20 minutes later my little comes in with some flowers for me and told me that breakfast would be in, in a little while. My biggest baby who is 13 made me my favorites, like she really cooked. She diced up spam and fried it up, cooked bacon, and fried me some over easy eggs, she did it all herself and it was delicious. She made the eggs better than I can! So far my day has been full of mixed emotions, I'm sad my mom is gone, but so thankful that my girls and my hubby love me enough to let me be mopey, buy me chocolates, tell me I'm pretty, and let me watch my favorite movie even thought they all hate it.

I choose to cherish this day even though my heart aches. I have 1 32 days until my moms birthday which is another day I will reflect on. Maybe I will celebrate with a BBQ with some family to commemorate her life. Happy mothers day mom, I love you and I will miss you every day. I know you visited me last night, and I know your proud of me. I love you......