life

Hopefully me readers are familiar with me and know that I am a lipstick hustler. I am a distributor for Lipsense. This is a company that I truly believe in, it's a long lasting lipstick that does not transfer so that means no smiling with lipstick on your teeth, no lip marks left on your latte, and no accidentally rubbing it all over your face. I've experience lipstick regret with other companies, you know what that is right? You find the PERFECT lipstick, you put it on and it's creamy, it looks great on your lips. An hour or so goes by and you decided to eat a sandwich, and oops! Your lipstick is now all over your face and it won't leave. So you try and cover up what's all over your face :( This is lipstick regret. I am so happy that I don't have to deal with that anymore because lipsense is amazing.....

So last week sometime, Josh promised Alice he would buy her a pool for the summer time, this kid doesn't give up. All week, when are we getting a pool? I want to go swimming! daddy said I get one! So Sunday, daddy bought her a pool and put it up, and she was in hog heaven.  Monday it reached 98 degrees and today it was in the mid 80's so it was definitely swimming weather, and swim she did. This kid is a mermaid, a Aquarius by birth she is an air sign but she definitely feels at home in the water and that's ok. She loves to be near water, she'd live on a boat in water if you'd let her.

Life has been going by quickly, Alice just started tball, lynds going through her own teenage angst. Me, I'm just trying to build my business so I can afford to stay home with my babies and provide some substance for them. I need ideas here people! How to I present the idea of "Join my Team" without it being in your face or annoying?

Mother's Day

May 14, 2017

This is my first mothers day with out my mom. It's been hard making it through the last 3 months without her. I am having a hard time with the fact that I now feel Orphaned. I feel like I have been left behind and I am kind of resentful. Yes, I know that I am almost 33 and I have a family of my own I however, still feel like I need my mom. Both my parents are gone as well as my step dad, I only have 1 grandparent left and she's almost 73 so I don't have much time left with her.

I wanted nothing but for this day to not happen....I wanted to sleep through it, pretend it didn't happen. I didn't really grieve when my mom passed, I was to busy planning everything, clearing out her apartment and making sure shit got done. Not really fair for me, I also totally understand that life isn't fair but honestly it was way to much for me to bare at that time. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I just finished off paying for my step dads funeral when my mom passed so it was an unwelcome experience. I am still finding it hard to grieve, I feel like I have way to much stuff going on in my day to day life to be sad. It's not that I even want to be sad, I just want to cry over the years that we may of had. I also kinda feel like I grieved already because she had been so sick for almost 1o years, COPD is a bitch and it rules your life. She wasn't able to join in on things because of her smoking, then her anxiety and then her depression about all of her barriers. It was sad, but she was my mom and I miss her a lot. But I have two beautiful daughters and a wonderful hubby that wanted nothing but for me to have a good day. They were wanting to honor their mom, which is exactly what I want to do. There is no body for me to take her flowers she was cremated, I have her ashes so I think tomorrow I'm going to load her in my car and we shall go get some coffee together. Is this weird?

So I awoke today to an absolutely quiet house, I got up looked around, went to the bathroom and turned the TV on to mysteries of the unknown on the travel channel and crawled back into bed. About 20 minutes later my little comes in with some flowers for me and told me that breakfast would be in, in a little while. My biggest baby who is 13 made me my favorites, like she really cooked. She diced up spam and fried it up, cooked bacon, and fried me some over easy eggs, she did it all herself and it was delicious. She made the eggs better than I can! So far my day has been full of mixed emotions, I'm sad my mom is gone, but so thankful that my girls and my hubby love me enough to let me be mopey, buy me chocolates, tell me I'm pretty, and let me watch my favorite movie even thought they all hate it.

I choose to cherish this day even though my heart aches. I have 1 32 days until my moms birthday which is another day I will reflect on. Maybe I will celebrate with a BBQ with some family to commemorate her life. Happy mothers day mom, I love you and I will miss you every day. I know you visited me last night, and I know your proud of me. I love you......

The Life of a Busy Mom

So I am always busy. I get up with my kids in the morning and I go to bed way after they go to bed because well......Insomnia. I've been getting up, getting them ready, myself ready, then dropping the oldest off to school, then the little, than off to the gym for an hour or so followed by errands and then home. When I'm home if feels like stuff is never done. I feel like I am constantly

Congenital Heart Defects (CHD)

Where do I start this story......I have blogged many times about my daughter's heart condition. What is has in really rare but even more rare that she has it but doesn't have downs with it like so many do. When you hear about another family going through the same stuff you went through regarding their children's health your heart just aches for them. When Jimmy Kimmel was talking about his son being born and finding out within minutes that something was wrong with their brand new baby it's totally gut wrenching. We found out at 3 days old that something was wrong and they didn't know what so we were referred to a cardiologist  where she first had a echo and then we met with the peds cardiologist team that confirmed what everyone thought, she had AVSD and would need open heart surgery. At this time affordable health care didn't exist yet and Obama Care was a new thing. I didn't worry though because I had insurance that I paid for every month so baby was covered, I just worried about our portion of the hospital bills we'd have to pay. We made pre arrangements with the hospital for the birthing costs so I started making payments on an estimated $15,000 birthing cost with C-section.

Well about 2 weeks after birth my insurance cut her off, said that I never notified them of my pregnancy which I did, and they denied any and all coverage for my baby. So here I am 2 weeks into a life long journey of navigating the life of a chronically ill child. I have littereally no idea on what I'm going to do. I seriously loose my shit. I planned on returning to work, I worked up until a week before I had my daughter. I planned on going back 4/4/11 but that really just wouldn't work. My daughter was born 2/1/11, on 4/4/11 the day I was supposed to return to work, I was at Doernbecher Children's Hospital waiting for my daughter to go have her repair surgery. Instead of having this surgery that was going to "fix" her she ended up coding, she stopped breathing, some of the scariest moments of my life is watching doctors, nurses and anyone who had a spare hand attend to her lifeless body. Instead of her going back for surgery, she was placed in the PICU on life support where we waited for her body to heal itself and figure out what happened. We waited helplessly while brilliant minds tried to figure out what was going on, we got nothing. No one knew why her body gave up besides she was just too tired to go on. I am so thankful this happened in the hospital and not in the car on the way up. I am so thankful that she received the help she needed right away.

Thankfully before her surgery happened we were able to get her insurance stuff figured out but that was a hard thing to navigate. While navigating  all the insurance stuff I learned that because of Obama Care and the ACA my child would never be turned down for health care for a condition she was born with. She would always have good insurance and would always have the care that she needed. This was a godsend to me and my family. We would never have to choose between taking care of our baby's medical needs and paying rent and bills. We would never have to worry about not being able to afford an expensive medication and believe me for a while she was on 5 or 6 and many of them were $1,000+ a month for.

I worked full time since my oldest was 5 weeks old all the way until my youngest was born, I am not someone trying got get something for nothing. I worked until I just couldn't anymore because I needed to take care of my child. Please, Please, Please remember this when your voting on they type of coverage the ACA provides.

Well, Well, Well!

So lots of stuff has happened since my last post. Life has changed so much since Feb 8th. So much, so let me catch you up!

    Feb 8th my mom was on hospice, we talked with the hospital to see if there was a way they could keep her because she was so fragile I didn't want to risk loosing her during transport, the hospital assured me that they couldn't keep her because she was doing well enough to transport and a nursing facility could take care of her better than they could so they prepared for transport and transported her. During this time my aunt who was here from Alaska took me to dinner because I hadn't eaten the whole day. My mom was prepped for transport at 5:30pm and we were supposed to meet the hospice care team at 6:30pm at the nursing facility.
    Shortly before 6:30 I called the nursing facility to double check my mom was there, the nurse told me that I needed to hurry up and get there, my om was in fact there and was not doing very well. I cut dinner short with my Aunt, I told her what was going on and I headed up to the nursing facility while calling my husband and my grandma to let them know what was going on.
    As soon as I walked in the nurse met me at the front doors and let me know that my mom had passed, she apparently didn't make it through transport. My mom died in a van, after we begged the hospital to keep her they assured me that she would be OK. The drs lied to me they told me she would be fine. So I spent the next few things planning things, cleaning things out and taking care of things. The only great thing that came from this is that my best friend and her family came to see me and help me get stuff done. I have 1 brother but he's got some issues and really doesn't help with anything which honestly really sucks for me.
    For one long weekend my bestie and her family were here helping me with things and helping me keep my mind off of what was going on. I can not tell you how much I appreciated it because well at that time my life sucked. Unfortunately on their way home they were in a horrific accident that resulted in her 10 year old daughter breaking 1 hip and having a concussion as well as internal bleeding, her 12 year old son to break both hips and having internal bleeding, her hubby had a concussion and messed up his ankle, and my besties with some severe trauma and a messed up foot. I am so thankful that they all survived and feel terrible that they were all hurt but let me tell you that was a call I never wanted to get.
   Again so thankful that they are alive and working towards getting better and learning their normal. After spending only a week and a half in the hospital they were released to go home and learn their new normal, I wish I could be there to help them. They were here for me when I needed them but I just cant seem to be there for them because of life. WHICH SUCKS. On top of all of this we've had to take our oldest daughter out of school because she was failing everything and I know that she can do better but why she's not seeing it I have no idea. We got her enrolled and it took forever to do it for one reason or another. Now she's 2 weeks in and is doing a wonderful job.

Hospice

   My mom was taken to the hospital some point Sunday and I wasn't notified. I didn't figure out until Tuesday that she was sitting in the hospital with a dead phone. I finally get to the hospital and I get told that she's is now on Hospice, she can me for an exsasterbation of her COPD. She is not moving any air through her lungs which is necessary for her to live. This is why she's been in so much pain and why  her breathing has been weird. I feel so bad that I didn't catch it sooner. So now I'm sitting in a dark hospital room watching her sleep, cherishing the last few days that I have with her and wishing I could hear her tell me she loves me 1 last time. All of those time when she would just say it over and over and over and annoyed me, I'm wishing I could get one of those back right now.
   I'm 32 my dad died when I was 26, my step dad died when I was 31, and now my mom when I'm 32. I'm too young to be an Orphan, although I don't know if I would be considered an Orphan because I'm an adult with my own family.

new year new me

Every year millions of people around the world make new years resolutions. Most of them are to lose weight, to pay off bills, or buy a car. I decided I was gonna take this year to be a better me. All the way around, this means going to doctors appointments, going to the gym, eating better, spending time on me doing things like getting a pedicure, basic things for rejuvenation. I can be the best mom, wife, daughter and friend when I don't feel so tired. My first steps were going to the chiro, getting my bones adjusted, then figuring out my birth control situation, next is getting my diabetes all figured out, well I found out I'm really diabetic and that I need to get all that under control. My husband and I have been thinking about having another baby, and I can't get pregnant with blood sugars that are out of control. If in fact I did the baby could in fact be born with some congenital abnormalities one of which is the child being born with a non complete lower body so this means having legs that don't function and fully grow. I actually know a lady whom had a child that had this congenital abnormality and really do not wish for this to happen to anyone else.

So I'm starting to get myself healthier for my babies and for myself. The worst of all is the watching what I eat. I want to eat all the bread and pasta I want but I can't. I'm trying to eat more veggies and meat and nuts. These are things that I am having issues with, especially eating in the middle of the night. I wake up wanting candy or something that I shouldn't eat.